It’s been a while since I’ve updated on here and I’m pleased to say that its because everything has been going smoothly.
I saw my pain doctor last week and he was over the moon to hear about my five month no- flare streak.
I however, am feeling conflicted and a bit confused. I know that my health is improving and there are reminders of that everyday but i still am limited. I wrote something on my Instagram the other day in the midst of a anxiety attack which I believe explains my thoughts.
"So close but so far from recovered.
Is it almost over? But, the pain will be lifelong, so it will never be over. I'm so confused.
Do I now say I'm better? Will I ever be better?
I'm improving but my pain won't ever go away so is that considered better ?
I'm being promised a life of pain and hurting but I'm supposed to be happy about my hips and legs functioning how they are meant to and my nervous system calming down and not overreacting to basic stimulus.
I don't want pain. I'm happy to be improving but I want to be normal. I will never be normal. I will always be in pain. I will always be restricted by my condition. I want to be better, completely better, better to the point that I feel normal. I don't want any pain.
I just want to trade, I don't want this life right now.
I try to find reasoning out of this and I do find reasons but I wish I didn't have to live in this body.
I'm tired and I'm in pain, and it will always be that way, and that really sucks.”
Of course, I’m going to continue in my recovery and hoping that one day I won’t have pain but I’m also trying to be realistic.
I worry about going into senior years of high school, then trying to find work, then trying to have a family and be a mum, will that be possible?
The future is so uncertain and it makes me worried, but I also know that my team, and myself, are working our hardest to make the future easier and more feasible.
For now everything is good and I'm enjoying that, but I will remain cautious until enough evidence is in my brain to tell me I should feel otherwise.